Jun 16, 2013
For Father's Day I gave Chloe the longest hug in the world, maybe 5 minutes, because she wouldn't let go. It's clear the problems are taking a toll on her. We won't let her fall apart.
Sep 18, 2013
Went to "pre-bereavement therapy" I guess you might call it. For the second time. This time was better than last time. Therapists are good at making ya feel special, and getting you to trust them and tell them stuff. I thought of two more manifestations of resilience. Last month we just talked about joy and hope, reasons to carry on, but today I added bravery and flexibility. Bend or break. My whole situation does boil down to bend or break. The therapists said maybe i can join Emily's group, rather than feeling awkward with her parents. But the Apocalypse is Emily's exit followed by strained relations with them which gives me the Double Whammy loss festival. I guess I'll explain that next time. The glorious Double Whammy. The therapist said my situation is complex. She said complex like 5 times about it. I am not suffering like many suffer. I was curiously upbeat, cuz I realized if I'm not feeling sad I don't have to act all sad. Partly I'm not focused on feeling sad because I always knew this day was likely. Think about it: I met Emily after her second surgery... you can look at actuarial tables or you can live your life. So I just accepted. And so in therapy I want to focus on those who live (the child) but the parents see their child (the momma) who is likely to die. Which I agree is a particularly horrible sensation.
I have made it this far being recklessly resilient. Hell, December crazy grandma pegged me for a child fucker of some kind, and nobody told me, but everyone was freaked out and I didn't know why. That's how the year started. To be where I am now is remarkable. I will articulate that even if my future in Chloe's life is nothing like my past, it will be worth it, the world burns, people go crazy, people die, people get separated, it's not my choice. Chloe's outrageous attachment to me has made it all ok. I know the world blows things up all the time, and children get locked in basements instead of freed, cuz the world's cold, cuz life's hard, cuz misery loves company. I can't control when Chloe becomes someone else's child. Emily designated her parents and her parents will designate whatever they want. If that destroys a huge part of my life, I'll be like the Joker walking away as the building explodes. I guess I can write letters. And all this is contrived worst-case thinking. Still, fuck this child fucker shit, still hanging over me long after everyone else forgot, plus fuck anyone who doesn't jump in and interact with a child, just clucking the rights and the wrongs. When I explain things to Chloe, she has always showed the greatest appreciation. She hears Rights and Wrongs all day long but how often are things explained?
Well everything's secret there so I can't tell you more. It's just a group of volunteers who lived through loss and people doing so now. I figure fuck it, everyone's still alive, let's go have some fun. And if ya die, at least we had some fun. Don't overthink death around those who still live.
Sep 20, 2013
I wish truth seduced as well as lies do.